


A Fuck In The Park

by Consultingcrackaddicts (orphan_account)



Category: Sherlock (TV), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Anal Sex, Crack, Crack Fiction, M/M, Mild Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-08
Updated: 2013-03-08
Packaged: 2017-12-04 15:39:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/712352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Consultingcrackaddicts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki is cleaning up New York City and then finds Sherlock and they have a quick shag.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Fuck In The Park

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt: "You should do a Sherlock/Loki slashfic! Loki is back on Earth fixing everything from Avengers movie end when he finds sherlock... ;D"
> 
> Written by Rin and Summer
> 
> We took so long on this one, sorry! We got distracted by holidays and illnesses and all that stuff. 
> 
> We take crack requests/prompts! You can submit one to us at: consultingcrackaddicts.tumblr.com/ask  
> We'll post it on the blog and here on Ao3. :]

“Get a move on, brother.” Said Thor, as he walked around being a slab of hot Norse sausage from the local Asgardian deli.

“I’m moving as much as I can in these chains.” Loki drawled, not bothering to give two fucks about Thor and his bullshit sausage behavior as he swept the street with a tiny ass broom (which was hardly any bigger than a toothbrush. Okay maybe a bit bigger than that).

Well, he did give one fuck, and it was like, what the fuck Thor. There ain’t no way that Loki can clean up NYC with a broom.

“But Loki, there is a whole city to clean up. Your pace will not do.”

“I would wish that you kindly regard my nether regions.” Loki retorted with a swooshy glance towards his private square before turning his back and sweeping away literally sweeping, cause he’s cleaning with a broom).

“But there isn’t anything wrong with your nether region...” Thor said with a gasp as big as a walrus.

“I mean for you to take your mouth to it in a submissive fashion, don’t be so obtuse.” Loki said, rolling his eyes right out of his head.

“Did u just fuckin call me fat.”

“Go away, you bore me endlessly.” (What a sassy bitch.)

“No, I’ll stay and do as I see fit.” Thor said, straightening his shoulders in a way that showed he was the boss, because, let’s be real, he’s never been anything so consistently than he’s been a bossy britches.

“Well, you’ve never been entirely competent, so I doubt it will be long until you make you make a mistake.” Loki said snidely as a snide thing.

And funnily enough, Loki was right. Thor was swinging his hammer around due to boredom, and accidentally flung it too far.

“Whoops!” He said, before flying off after it without a second thought (What a model guard. Everyone, follow his example while guarding war criminals, and you’ll be perfect).

“What an idiot,” Loki said to himself, “He does know he can just call the hammer to him, doesn’t he?”

Loki wasted no time fucking off. He went all invisible and walked away slowly, dragging his broom, and those dinky ass handcuffs with him. He was totally gone by the time Thor got back. But anyway, we give no fucks about Thor right now, so let’s get on with Loki. He was wandering around downtown, pushing people over and stealing random shit which he then dropped somewhere else, basically just being a fucking nuisance. He was walking through a deserted park when he saw a man sitting on a bench. As he was the only person around, Loki went to annoy him (once again, what. a. bitch.).

He walked up behind the dark haired man and swiftly unwound the scarf from his neck, before walking off towards a secluded patch of trees to dump it. He was winding it around a particularly high branch, because why not, he’s super tall, when he heard someone behind him - he turned, and saw the man who’s scarf he had stolen leaning against a nearby tree trunk.

“Hello.” Said Loki, amused that the man had managed to follow him, even though he had only just turned visible again.

“Hello,” Said the man, “You walk very loudly for someone who’s trying to be invisible.”

Loki raised his eyebrows like bitch are you serious right now? trying to be invisible? TRYING? Bitch, he WAS invisible.

“Who are you?” He asked, growing impatient.

“Sherlock Holmes, who are you?”

“I am Loki, of Asgard.”

“How fascinating.” Sherlock said dryly, indicating that he meant the inverse.

“I didn’t ask for you to be fascinated.” Loki said, getting sick of this mortal’s shit.

“That’s good for you then, I suppose.”

Loki smiled, knowing a challenge when he saw one, much like he knew a tortoise from a turtle just by the smile.

“What could you possibly mean?” He asked, because he was properly looking for trouble.

Sherlock raised his bitch brows, then noticed the cuffs. Ooooh hot. There must be a case or something.

“I mean you’d be hard pressed to get me to follow your instructions when you’re obviously a convicted criminal.”

“I think I could make you do whatever I like.” Loki threatened his eyes flashing baby blue icicles as he moved his body into fight stance.

“Prove it.” Sherlock growled, mimicking his actions.

Loki leapt through the air towards this man, preparing to tackle him to the ground. Sherlock could tell Loki was too strong or heavy for him to fight off, so he ducked and tango’d out of the way, before returning to his defensive pose. Loki landed on the ground and did a roly poly or something before doing more fighty stuff and I don’t know how to write a fight scene but basically they got to a point where they were wrestling on the ground like children and Sherlock said,

“Still haven’t proved anything!”

“Well, give me time, mortal, you’ll be on your knees before me yet.”

“I doubt it” Sherlock grunted, as he tried to roll Loki over and straddle him, failing in the process.

Loki ripped his arms free of Sherlock’s grasp, and quickly wrapped the chain between his wrists around Sherlock’s neck.

“Behave, or I’ll pull.”

“Go fuck yourself.” Said Sherlock, getting his fingers beneath the chain so that he might be able to breathe.

“Well, there’s an idea.” Said Loki, mostly to himself.

This made Sherlock struggle even harder against the chains, and Loki laughed, watching him jerk around beneath him.

“Oh yes, you’re making this so delicious. I don’t know why I didn’t think of having you earlier. I should tie you up with your own scarf.”

Loki stood up, dragging Sherlock to his feet so that they might go and retrieve the scarf from the tree. However, Loki’s comment to Thor about mistakes came back to bite him in his cute butt, because this was his. Sherlock quickly did some sort of pirouette and unwrapped the chain from his neck, before pulling on them to off balance Loki and ahh more fighting somehow they ended up on the ground again with Loki’s arms trapped beneath him and Sherlock mounted on top of him like Loki was some sort of steed.

“Well, what a turn of events.” Sherlock said, smirking down at his predator-turned-prey.

Loki snarled.

“Shall we see what I can get you to do? Must be so biting to have to submit to a mere mortal.” Sherlock whispered in Loki’s ear before biting down hard on the lobe.

“Get off me, you cretin.” Loki hissed.

“How about I get off on you?”

“Excuse you.” Loki whispered, vomiting in his mouth a little.

“I SAID-”

But Sherlock never got to said what he said because Loki did a backflip and landed butt first on Sherlock’s face.

“Oh yeah, how do you like me now?” He screeched, hands raised to the heavens, his arms as spread as Sherlock’s ass was about to be.

He rode that face with his butt like he rode a horse - not like a horse that rode him, that’s a different thing u filthy (for some reason people get offended when we reference them so we aren’t sorry at all because gurl u r readin a crack fic lbr rn*).

Sherlock nearly passed out from having his face rutted on, but then Loki stood up and turned them both around. Sherlock gasped into the concrete beneath his face (not in a sexy way, just in a “oh man I can’t breath kind of way” and then he felt Loki slapping his butt as if he were a prize onion. Sherlock got a bit hard from that - his gasping turned into erotic moaning and all that carry on.

“Are... Are you going to fuck me in my butthole?” He whispered into the ground

“Don’t whisper tiny dancer, I can’t hear you.” Loki said out of his mouth.

“Are we gonna get it on?” He shouted.

“Well, duh. Idiot man.” Loki said as he unzipped his pants and flipped Sherlock’s jacket right over his head, before ripping off his pants.

“I’m a god you ass!”

“More like a god in my ass, amirite?” Sherlock said into a mouthful of ground.

“Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Loki moaned, as he pushed his peeny around on Sherlock’s back, before magicing lube literally out of thin air.

“Lubey Lubey Lubey!” he sang, squeeze some of it straight onto Sherlock’s bumkin.

Sherlock was like aw shit and then rubbed his erect python against the ground like an erect python. Then loki waved his rabbit dick around (because it was the size of a rabbit) and plunged swan dive style straight down into Sherlock’s posterior nether region. His deity-sized dick went in so fast that it pretty much slammed into Sherlock’s testicles, effectively punching the cum right out of him (ten out of ten points!!)- his spooge spilled all over the inside of his trousers and on his skin and stuff, GROSS.

“Wowowowoww?” He said, because he wasn’t entirely sure what just happened in his balls.

“Shut up.” Loki said, as he continued to put his rodent loins into Sherlock’s butt repeatedly, with the fervor of the spiciest chili sauce. Hot Sauce. Olay!

It hopped up and down, little bunny foofoo style. Finding Sherlock’s prostate and bopping it on the head - repeatedly. Too bad there wasn’t a good fairy to come down and turn Loki’s bunny foofoo into a goon (Thor’s busy today).

So then instead Loki’s rabbit spewed into Sherlock’s butt, and then they lay there for a bit, covered in their own come.

“Hang on, who the fuck are you again?” Sherlock asked, his wits returning to him, having forgotten anything since he got dick punched in the butt.

But his question was asked in vain.

For Loki had already gone, never to learn his lover’s name.

It was a properly tragic thing. In the pants.

**Author's Note:**

> * “Girl, you are reading a crack fic, let’s be real right now.”
> 
> Thank you for reading! Comments are always appreciated. :]
> 
> Info for requests/prompts can be found in the notes at the top.


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